The Altar of Life

Yesterday, as I reached for my journal, Eddie leaned from his place beside me on the couch and tugged on my arm.

"Scoot back," he said.

He wants to be close, to snuggle as he plays the shape game on the iPad and I write, read, sip coffee. It's rainy outside. Xander (I'll introduce you to him soon.) is content to snooze in the swing nearby.

This moment is all I treasure about Mom-hood in this season--my priesthood for now. Sure, there's a dryer full of laundry waiting to be folded and put away, emails need drafting, dirty dishes and unmade beds call for my attention. But I scoot back and snuggle in next to my little boy.

I chose to sit there and savor the moment, cherish it, offer it up like incense on the altar of my life.

"Welcome to your own priesthood, practiced at the altar of your own life."

-Barbara Brown Taylor

An Altar in the World

If there is a word that could sum up the past six months, I'd say cherish. In the months before giving birth again and welcoming another little boy into our family, I was doing my best to cherish the moments Eddie was my mom-world. To soak up with joy all the time I could give him my undivided attention without another mouth to feed, another bottom to clean, another little person needing me. I was taking note of the simplicity of life with just one child. I was cherishing the last times we'd do this or that as a family of three. 

Then my heart exploded as little Xander joined our family. And there was so much more to cherish, each moment calling to be held close because then it's gone. The little tiny baby stage is so fleeting, and the blur of adjustments and sleeplessness make it that much harder to really take in. There is a terrible ache in a mom's heart when her baby reaches milestones--all mixed in with the pride and delight and sheer joy of it! Because that means those little moments once savored are now memories to treasure. People tell you to enjoy this season because "it goes by so quickly!" Let me just say I've taken that advice to heart. These are cherished moments I'm living these days. And I don't want to miss a thing!

Prayer, a Rendezvous

Jesus said, "When you pray, go into your own room, shut your door and pray to your Father privately. Your Father who see all private things will reward you." He made prayer sound more like a secret rendezvous than a spiritual discipline. 

Where do you meet with God? 

It's funny how different times in my relatively short experience of Christian life I've found myself in a variety of prayer "closets". I often met God on an early morning run, my running shoes covered in a layer of Mexican desert dust while my heart centered in Christ as the sun rose over the mountains. Sometimes it was the quiet deserted sanctuary of the church on campus, all echoes and cool freshness, no matter the temperature outside. Then there was the season of grabbing a blanket and a thermos of coffee and walking down to the sand, finding a spot to join the waves in their continual praise of the Almighty.

Currently, this is my place to meet God.

My favorite is to be sitting down at the table with a cup of freshly brewed coffee, my bible and the specific verses on index cards outlining my prayer requests, a playlist of worship songs playing over the speaker, and a sleeping toddler in the other room. It's sweet. 

When I think about what all these places have in common, it's amazing to me, first of all that the God of the Universe met me in all those places. Also, I'm struck by God' faithfulness in teaching me and guiding me to what works for me. I think it's safe to say we, as God's children, have different prayer styles, unique settings that draw us to our Father. Over the years I've learned mornings work best for me, something about starting the day with Him. Music is always a big part of getting my heart in sync with God. The view helps too. But the most important thing I've learned regarding prayer is the depth and richness added by praying God's Word back to Him. Ultimately, He knows better than I what I need, what my friends and family need, what the nations need, what the day holds, and from experience I can say He faithfully leads me to the Scriptures that move my heart to partner with Him in what He's doing. That's a beautiful thing. 

Switching gears, lately I've been challenged to listen to my own words as I pray. Do I sound like I really believe that Jesus Himself sits across the table from me? Listening, asking questions, smiling, reaching out His hand with compassion in His eyes. Is prayer just a way for me to process my own thoughts? Does it feel more like my words are just drifting away into space? Or is it a true rendezvous--a conversation between good friends? I desperately want the latter. That's what has me getting up from the table feeling rested, centered, ready as I go to attend the, "Mama! Mom!" cries coming from down the hall.  

What works for you? Where do you meet God--right now, or where have you met Him in the past? I'd love to see a photo! 

The Shift

Sometimes having not written in a while makes it even harder to know where to start. This time, even more so. I've been bumping into the question of what exactly this blog is to be about. Is it just a chronicle for our family? A place to put photos and memories so I can look back and remember? Is it a way share with family and friends scattered all over what's going on in our life? Or is it meant to be something more? In mulling over the question, I feel prompted to make it the latter. The fact is, I enjoy writing. I love putting words to thoughts and ideas, to the stories and memories that depict a slice of the everyday. Just reporting on the big and exciting isn't really a complete picture. Only showing the fun, the good, doesn't make the chronicle very true, although it might be easier. I'm beginning to see the value in using what I believe to be a God-given gift: the love of writing, to process the good and the bad, the fun things and the hard things and the character growth that comes from those hard things. Who knows, in doing so, I might provide some encouragement to someone somewhere, and even if not, I'm the blessed one since I'll have a deeper understanding of the ways the journey, the sojourning, shapes me and the people I love.

All that to say, it's time to dig deeper, to be more vulnerable, and see what God brings of it.

The reason it's been hard to share even the fun things we've done in the past few months, is that there's been a shadow. I miscarried just before Thanksgiving, and the loss shook me. All the dreams and plans nurtured in my mind and heart those ten weeks that my body nurtured a little life had to be mourned and pieced together into something that made some kind of sense. There's something to be said for the glorious thing that it is to host new life in your own body. Then to experience death instead, and host that very death inside you, is strange and in a way unnatural feeling. Don't get me wrong, from the very first I heard that this little life wasn't meant to live, God gave a sense of hope, and I clung to that. But the ache for those dreams, the ups and downs of raging hormones, the loss of something so loved and hoped for, had to be felt, grieved.

Surprisingly, as God led me ever so gently through healing, He uncovered a truth and I believe it will be the good He brings from this bad season. True to form, He works all things together for good. Even this. I knew that to be true, in my head, logically. But now I've seen it, experienced it, and know it to be true in my life, my soul, my heart. What I came to see was that I had come to see my direction in life, my purpose, my identity, as a mom. Yes, I'm still a mother to darling Eddie, every minute of every day. But now I see a difference between having the role and responsibility of being a mother and having motherhood be my reason for living. It's subtle. So much of what I do and who I'm learning to be is wrapped up in my mothering role, so naturally I began to see my life through that lens. It's not a bad thing in and of itself. But, you see, I believe my real reason for living is to bring glory to my Master. In this season, much of how I do that is by becoming the mom He wants me to be, becoming more like Him through the refining process of motherhood, but once it shifted to being my primary purpose, the direction of my life, my identity became wrapped up in it. Jesus is meant to be my Source. I am loved by Him, therefore I'm a mom. I love Him, therefore I want to be the best mother I can be by His grace.

Now I find myself trying to figure out what that looks like practically. It's a wonderful thing for a Christian to say, "My identity is in Christ." It's a much harder thing to actually live. One thing I know for sure, a major part of shifting my purpose and direction in life is taking time to center. Being still and seeking God in prayer and digging into His Words. I'm far from having mastered it, but I can say now, truly, I'm thankful for something hard like miscarriage. I surely hope I don't have to repeat that experience, but the suffering and reaching for God to make sense of it all led to what I hope will make me a better mom. Because I know, I am sure, I will be a better mother when I approach every moment from a place of security in my Jesus' love for me. Let it be so!

Motherhood at Christmas

Just "treasuring up all these things, pondering them in [my] heart."

I love being a mom. Lil' Eddie fills--to overflowing!--my heart with pure, sweet joy. I can sit and watch him for hours, stroking is soft cheeks, kissing his little forehead, delighting in his every expression. I knew I'd love my son, but...this...this powerful, joy-filled love must be divine. It simply must be. I think I have a more profound understanding of what the Bible means to say when it describes God's love for us like a mother's love and care for her child.

As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you...  Isaiah 66:12

And being that it's Christmastime, I keep thinking of Mary. A young, new mother, who was surely filled with the same joy that overflows my heart these days. I'm sure she absolutely marvelled, just stared in wonder, at her newborn Son--a helpless, precious, little baby boy, a glorious miracle. I'm sure she was awed, even more so than I am considering the experiences and events surrounding her baby's birth. No wonder she "pondered all these things in her heart"--Gabriel's visit and prophesy, Elisabeth's miraculous baby boy--prophesied to be her Son's forerunner, Joseph's dreams, the shepherd's unbelievable story of a sky full of angels, foreign kings coming thousands of miles to welcome her baby--the one who'd been born in a smelly, dirty stable! And on top of that, knowing, to some degree, that this precious little baby who filled her heart with such love and joy, was God's Promised One! He was the Word of God, made flesh! What could that even mean? Absolutely unfathomable! 

And this year, Jesus' miraculous birth takes on deeper meaning as I'm drawn into the same wonder Mary felt. I'm moved and stirred as I wonder over my sweet baby. And I find myself drawn into worship and completely awed by the same powerful, wonder-working God that Mary worshiped when she said,

My soul magnifies The Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior...for he who is mighty has done great things for me, and holy is his name.  from Luke 1

News! News! News!

Finally! The job search is at an end! While it was a wonderful season of waiting and seeking out not only the different options, but also what God wanted for us, I'm glad the decision has been made. I don't think I can adequately describe those few weeks where God mightily revealed His power to open doors! He is the One who

"opens and no one will shut, who shuts and no one opens." Revelation 3:7 

At first, Jonathan only had offers in Portland and Central Illinois, and while they were wonderful jobs, with great people, in locations that we love for different reasons, and lots of things seemed to make sense about either of them, we began to see God point us in the direction of staying here in California. So began the test of faith as we waited and watched in awe as God opened up two miraculous opportunities in the LA area. First, Mattel, in the middle of a complete hiring freeze, contacted Jonathan about interviewing with them. And through some connections at USC, Jonathan found himself presenting his dissertation and interviewing at Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena. After much discussion, prayer, an extension on our decision time, more prayer and discussion...Jonathan accepted JPL's offer.

So much feels "right" about our staying here (although this does mean a move to the Pasadena area), and we're confident God still has plans for us to be used here in LA. We're especially thrilled to be a part of Altadena church for awhile longer. We were blessed during this whole process of decision making as the church faithfully prayed for us, encouraged us, listened to us, and gave us so much Godly advice. I think they were pretty thrilled with the final decision, too!

While it's a great load off our minds to have the job decision made, we're facing some big, big changes, kind of all at the same time, so keep those prayers coming. In the next few months we'll be transitioning from the Beach Cottage to somewhere nearer Jonathan's work (moving), from the academic scene to "real life" (starting the job), and from being just us to a family of three (parenthood).

Speaking of that last major transition...

abundantly blessed by another baby shower, we are now ready (as ready as we'll ever be!) for Silly Goose's imminent arrival into our lives!

Part of preparing for becoming a family of 3 included

becoming a family of 2 cars!

Yes, the car seat is now installed, and we're ready to roll!

Great story about our new-to-us Mazda 5, Jonathan went to look at it the very evening we were in the middle of making the final job decision. While we were pretty sure what we supposed to do, I was feeling rather doubtful and struggling with the weightiness and semi-permanance of the whole thing. As I went out for a walk, once again chatting with God about the whole thing, I also reminded Him how I'd been praying for Him to provide us with a car for months and how nice it'd be if this was it! Jonathan called not too long after I got home.

Jonathan: Guess what! I think we got our new car. And guess what!

Me: Great! What?

Jonathan: The guy works at JPL.

Me: No way! Seriously? No way!

Yeah. Did I mention I'd been asking God for months for the right car to come along! Months! And all along, He had it worked out to happen at just the right time as to provide a little assurance when doubt started to creep in. He's just wonderful like that. And it's things like that that give me confidence as we're about to leap off a giant cliff of unknowns. He's been faithful, and He will be faithful. 

Which reminds me, I had the same sort of feeling right before saying "I do" and becoming Mrs. Sauder. And Jonathan and I had a good laugh then at this pretty right-on description from a favorite cartoon:

I guess as long as I'm tied to the same tree as Christ, I'll say, 

"Bring it on."

The Job Search

And just like that, a month has gone by. And we are still working and waiting to see what doors God opens up on the job end of things. Jonathan does more of the working part--sending emails, rewording and submitting resume after resume, networking, and researching. We both do the waiting--praying, surrendering, trusting, and praying some more. Meanwhile, other aspects of life continue on.

 Silly Goose keeps growing.

2 more months and he'll be here!

Yup, TWO MONTHS!!

So exciting!

Jonathan and I had our hospital tour a few weeks ago, and our childbirth preparation class is this weekend. Tell you what, it gets more and more real all the time! Especially when the little guys uses my ribs as a playground or scooches his cute little rear end around making my tummy bulge out to one side. What a Silly Goose, right? And what an incredible miracle!

Jonathan had the brilliant idea the other day to stop by Griffieth Observatory on the way home from church (maybe as Silly Goose's arrival gets nearer, there's a sudden motivation to do those things that are more difficult to do with a little one, like sightseeing). 

 It was a beautiful sunset over the sprawling city.

This is me posing for a tourist photo of the Hollywood sign.

Makes me laugh, I look a little wary of the other tourists.

Here we are with the moon rising over the Observatory dome.

Other "normal" life happenings have come to include Steven! Even though he's spent almost more time in New York than here in town since moving out, we've managed to establish some fun routine hang outs--dinners, skyping with the folks back in Roanoke, and he and Jonathan have done some surfing together. 

Last weekend we had a blast watching some cousins perform at their marching band competition. It was quite the show! And the In and Out stop beforehand wasn't bad either--seriously, Silly Goose has created a special affection for their vanilla shakes! The funny thing was how everyone had the same idea--we stopped in (Joe and Sue, Steven, and us), joining Grammy and Tom and Heidi, and before you know it, Tom and Jody popped in too! After burgers it was off to the show!

The band performed a Peter Pan show,

Return to Neverland.

These are special times! Walks on the beach at low tide, spending a few hours trying to rearrange the furniture in our cozy little living room, baking pumpkin-y things because it's fall now, "neighborhood" gatherings that turn into enthusiastic game nights...ordinary things that are oh so special. How do we fully engage and enjoy where we are now? How do we not let the looming unknown rob us of the joy of these moments now? Lots of grace. Lots of reminding each other and being reminded by wise people in our lives. Because really, in the grand scheme of things, this "next step", this whole job search thing, is rather small. It doesn't feel like it, but a healthy dose of eternal perspective forces us to remember that life is short and these present little things are actually really important because they're about relationship and community and growth and, well, lasting, God-glorifying  stuff.

In light of that, hearing today that we have another decision to make, a job opportunity that would transplant our little family in faraway Portland with the challenge of new relationships, different community, more stretching and growth...we ask that you'd pray for us, for that healthy dose of eternal perspective and the eyes to discern where God is leading. Because that's what it comes down to: our Lord knows the plans He has for us, we ask for a glorious revelation!

Back home.

The Beach Cottage welcomed us home to stay just a little over a week ago.  The following days were some of the craziest yet with dozens of visitors pouring into L.A. to celebrate with Ben and Suzy on their wedding day!  The ceremony was beautiful, the bride was beautiful, the flowers I brought home after helping cut the cake were beautiful, and, most of all, the fellowship was beautiful!

I especially enjoyed a traditional Sunday afternoon walk with this dear girl!

Well, not really traditional, I guess.  

We usually walked the dusty paths of CVE; this was a beach walk!

Jonathan's family was also in town for the wedding and stayed the following week soaking up days at the beach and enjoying family time with aunts and uncles and cousins.  After seeing them off, I celebrated the fact that we were home to stay by giving the Beach Cottage a good going over!

Then...well, now, I guess, life starts getting back to "normal".  Is it even okay to say "normal" on this blog dedicated to chronicling the "abnormal", the times where everyday life gives way to adventures?  The fact of the matter is, our life feels so far from back-to-normal I think I may keep up this little chronicle, just to have a record of the adventures we seem to find even in the everyday stuff.

Like take the past week for example.  You can imagine the unknown mounting ahead of us: Jonathan's dissertation defense in the fall, graduation in December--right after we welcome the upheaval of Silly Goose's arrival into the world, and then...well, a job.  But where?  Here in L.A.?  Back in Illinois, with the same company that just took us all over the world and close to family?  Or somewhere else entirely?  And with job opportunities come other decisions like where to live.  If you can imagine all that, then you can probably imagine the kinds of conversations we've been having.  To top it all off, just a few days at home in dear California and I was clinging to the idea of never leaving again.  I like it here.  I love our church, our romantic little Beach Cottage, the gorgeous weather, having extended family close by.  God had to do some major work in my heart as I listened to Jonathan's big dreams because his heart hasn't settled here like mine did so quickly.  When things came to a head and I shut up enough to listen to the Spirit's call to be surrendered to His plan for us, it seemed like all we could do was wait.  Yes, there were major decisions to be made.  But nothing looked like it would be cleared up in a week, no matter how many times we hashed it out.  Wait.  Be patient.  Know God in this moment.  It's a tough place to be in, but a sweet one.

And then, BANG!  It's all thrown back at us and into our conversations again.  Nothing will be settled in a week?  No, probably not.  But we did find out that a day can bring some pretty significant opportunities.  In the course of a few hours, a new idea was on the table casting a different light on the upcoming fall.  What will come of it?  God only knows.  But meanwhile we've have a good lesson in waiting on Him, 'cause He's got some crazy adventures up His sleeves, that's for sure!

The Bible Stories, Our Story: One and the Same

I wrote this post back in January before we ever left on our adventures.  The book I was reading seemed a Godsend in preparing me to face "adventure"--which, as fantastic as it sounds, can be downright freaky.  Anyway, I share it now as a way of summing up our sojourning, coming full circle, in a way.  Rereading this entry reminded me to see our experience, along with any experience in life, as part of The Story.  The Story that begins with God creating a world, the rebellion that followed, and the glorious plan of Redemption that has been unfolding ever since.  Each new day brings a new adventure.  And each adventure is sent by our loving Father to open our eyes to the wonder of experiencing him!

I'm reading a book about a man who, feeling distanced from the Bible he once knew through his Jewish upbringing, sets out to walk the torah (the first five books of the Bible).  He finds that what began as a way to connect with his roots through an interest in geography and archeology, soon grows into a very real connection to the words on the page as the stories become more concrete.  He walks with Abraham the three day journey to Mt. Moriah to offer up Isaac, runs his hands over stones like the one Jacob used as a pillow when he saw the vision of heaven, follows Joseph the slave to Egypt where he's raised to prime minister, and marches out with the Israelites tasting their fear as the hard-hearted pharaoh sets chase.  This is called experience.  And I think it's how the Bible was meant to be read.  Maybe we can't travel to the middle east to spur our imaginations about what it must have been like, but I don't think God ever meant for these epic adventure stories to be simply words on a page.  We might not be in the same geographical location, but God so often places us in the same spiritual location as those Old Testament heroes.  Can we say we sinned, not just Adam and Eve, and therefore deserve to be put out of paradise?  Or we believed God and it was counted to us as righteousness as was said of Abraham?  Or we were brought out of Egypt like the Israelites by God's outstretched hand working signs and wonders?  Isn't that what makes the Bible the Living Word?  It's alive because those stories are relevant to us here and now.

Anyway, all that to say, I've loved reading about this man's adventures and how they led him from head knowledge about the God of the Bible to heart knowledge: really knowing the God of the Bible.  That only comes by experiencing God--which is the greatest adventure.  And this is what the author had to say referring to his guide leading the adventure,

"As much as he knew about the Bible, he seemed to know more about the nature of travel, about how to go places, leave a bit of yourself behind, take a bit of the place with you, and in the process emerge with something bigger--an experience, a connection, a story.  Maybe that's one reason the Bible has such enduring power: At its heart, it's a great adventure tale."

Walking the Bible: A Journey by Land through the Five Books of Moses by Bruce Feiler

We're all sojourning.  Traveling through life, and just like the patriarchs, trying to make sense of the world, the circumstances we find ourselves in, and the God we've not yet seen who seems to be leading us on extraordinary paths full of unforeseen adventure.

And that last line I wrote?  "Unforeseen adventure"--whoa, I had no idea!  Yes, the experiences chronicled here have been adventures in so many ways, but right now, as our sojourning comes to an end, I see no end to the adventures!  In fact, I think there's more "unforeseen adventure" ahead than ever before!  

Make Us Ready

The busyness of Winter Conference is over. Check. Visas applications delivered. Check. (Keep praying they arrive in time!) It's too rainy for the combine-driving lesson, that will have to wait. And considering I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to engineering, design, or import laws, it seems my useful tasks are becoming fewer and fewer, at least for awhile. Which is why I've had several quite relaxing days, unlike Jonathan. It's been nice, especially since I've been recovering from a cold contracted over the weekend.  

Speaking of the weekend, we've been enjoying all the family time while in the area! Friday night we celebrated Jonathan's birthday with the Sauder clan who gifted him this:

A lego set of Big Ben. This kept him occupied for awhile! All in all, it was a fun time! Saturday we repeated the celebration, but with my family, by taking him to Flat Top and then Sweet Cece's frozen yogurt (see the trend, he likes to choose places that encourage you to build your own masterpiece). Sunday was spent at Congerville church which is going through a rough time, so please keep praying for God's healing power and unchanging love to surpass all the hurt and transform the pain to glory!

As the weekend wound down, there were definite themes God was starting to highlight. And over the past few days, as I've had some extra time on my hands, He's continued to reveal the same.  

Preparation. In one week, the crazy travel schedule begins. So many unknowns, so many arrangements to be made. And yet more than all that, my prayer has been for God to prepare our hearts. From the beginning, we wanted this job to be more than occupational experience. We wanted to discover new depths of knowing God both personally, and as a couple, and also allow that transforming experience to open our eyes to how God wants to utilize our time abroad to glorify His Name in the nations we're given opportunity to visit. Please join in praying for God's anointing on us during the next week as we approach launch date.  

Make Us Ready

Harvest Bashta

Let there be oil in my lamp,

Let the fire not go out, 

When I hear the Bridegroom comes.

Make us ready.  

So take my lamp set it on a hill,

Set it on a lamp stand,

I won't be hidden.

I'll be dripping with the oils of Love.

So take my lamp set it on a hill,

Set it on a lamp stand,

I won't be hidden.

Make us ready.

Flexibility--which inherently means some stretching

We're learning to respond with an attitude of flexibility.  Why is that so hard?  Does anyone else find the ability to react to unexpected changes or new assignments with an air of easy adjustment extremely difficult to master?  What is it about us as humans that draws us to the comfortable and easy?

That said, in the last week, our travel plans have changed often along with our daily activities.  In that way, every day is a new adventure.  Take yesterday, for example.  I never would have thought I would ever have to sit through an all-day conference featuring speakers on different aspects of farming--from the best equipment available to cover seeds once they're planted, to the latest developing technology for measuring crop yield, to the advantages of planting beans in giant checkerboard fashion rather than more traditional rows.  Fascinating stuff.  Some of it.  Okay, a little bit of it.  Most of it was over my head.  But I did manage to pick up on a few things (Like the fact that a stalk of corn only has one ear when ready for harvest.  Which makes me wonder, why do we always draw it with a bunch of ears?).  Anyway, Jonathan loved it.  On the way home he said, "I could learn about anything in that amount of detail!"  Well, for me, it still falls under the new-experiences-expanding-my-horizons category, and there's only so much farm talk I can take.  There was a steak lunch included, so it wasn't all bad.

At one point during the speakers, I sneaked out for a change of scenery and went to the post office.  (Yes, that speaks volumes about my interest level considering going to visit the local post master was exciting.)  Actually, I needed to mail our applications for a Brazilian visa.  So, we can all pray that the process goes smoothly and we get those without much hassle.

Regarding travel plans, our launch date is now February 6 (more flexibility!).  We're pleased to have another week here in the temperatures plunging dangerously close to zero!  No really!  In spite of the cold, extra time with family and friends, not to mention more time to prepare for take off, is much appreciated!  The plan is still New Zealand first, followed by South America, and the schedule still allows for a few days here and there in California since our trips will be in 10-day to 2-week chunks.  Talk about flexibility!  I guess it's good to be getting practice.

It's funny, another word for flexible, is yielding.  I've heard that word several times this last week--especially last weekend as dear Hannah publicly committed her life to Christ.  In our spiritual journey, yielding to the Spirit is how we learn to know God.  As hard as it is to surrender because it breaks us, it always leads to revelation!  And there is nothing greater than experiencing God as He reveals His character!